Have You Ever Tried to Spit Out Grass?

Going on walks with Mommy is one of my favorite things. When Mommy says, "Ethel Frances, do you want to go outside? Want to go for a walk?" I get so happy. I jump right up and run over to Mommy, waiting patiently while she puts my leash on me. Sometimes we go out the back door and sometimes we go out the front door. I like to go out the front door. I keep my favorite sticks there and I pick the one I want to carry.

When I have a stick, our walks are perfect. I walk nicely, right next to Mommy. She never has to give me any commands and we have such a good time. Mommy talks to me, even though she knows I can't answer with words, and she sings to me, too. She knows a lot of songs about me and my sisters. I wonder why people made up so many songs with the words Ethel Frances, LuLu, and Isabel Victoria in them. Mommy knows them all.

When we go out the back door, our walks are not as pleasant. Mommy just doesn't understand that if I don't have a stick in my mouth, I will search the ground for something to eat. I really like to eat bunny poop, but for some reason Mommy gets upset when I do. "Ethel Frances," she says excitedly, "don't eat bunny poop. Leave it! How many times do I have to tell you? Leave it!" I leave it, but not until I get tired of hearing her yell. As for how many times does she have to tell me, the answer is obvious -- every time I do it!

I also like to eat grass. It is very tasty and I like the way it feels when I chew it. Guess what? Mommy doesn't want me to eat grass either. Why? She gives me spinach and lettuce at home. They are green, just like grass, but they taste nasty. When Izzy eats grass, she throws it up so I understand why Mommy doesn't want Izzy to eat grass; but, I don't throw up. I wish I could talk. If I could I would say, "Mommy, why can't I eat grass? I really like it. I wish you would explain what is wrong with it."

Sometimes I can get a whole mouthful of grass before Mommy notices. Then when she does notice, I hear, "Ethel Frances, what is in your mouth? Grass? Drop it!" I try to obey. I open my mouth filled with grass, but nothing comes out. Mommy looks at me and says, "If you can't drop it, then spit it out. Now." Have you ever tried to spit out grass? It isn't easy.

I open my mouth wide. Nothing comes out. I turn my head to one side. Nothing comes out. I turn my head to the other side. Nothing comes out. Finally, I stick my tongue out and blow and grass goes flying. Not all of it comes out though. Grass gets stuck between my gums and my cheeks. I blow and blow and move my tongue in as many directions as it will go. When I can't blow any more out, I just hide it so Mommy won't know. What else can I do?

Mommy watches what I have to go through to spit it out. After I have blown out as much as I can, she smiles, gives me a hug and says, "Thank you, Ethel Frances. You are a good girl. I don't want you to eat grass for many reasons. One is that grass is a toilet for dogs."

She didn't have to say another word. Now I understand. Eating grass that someone has used for a toilet is gross and disgusting. I wonder why Mommy didn't say that a long time ago. Oh well, it is gross and disgusting, but to be perfectly honest, I eat grass anyway. I wonder how long it will take her to figure out that if we only leave through the front door, I will have a stick in my mouth and nothing else -- the perfect solution to the grass problem.